The idiot’s back

Have you missed me, my carer has had me locked up in the shed for the last couple of months apparently I can’t be trusted to behave when I’m on my own.  It all started when I went out on a stag do one of the male nurses from the hospital I frequent ( no by choice I might add ) he invited me to come along and help him enjoy is last night of freedom with some of his mates.imagesAs the night went on and the beers flowed somebody in the party thought it would be a good idea to slip me a tab of LSD in the hope I might trip out, nothing much happened at first then the pink  dragons came out of the gents and started to dance, it seemed all very odd so I decided to leave and head home.mannaquin  It was at this time I met this half-naked woman in the high street she didn’t say much but I could tell she fancied me, and after giving her all the usual chat up lines as I dragged her down the high street eventually we finished up behind the bins at the back of Tesco’s ,and it was about that time the LSD wore off.  Unfortunately I was so preoccupied with this passionate encounter I never saw the CCTV camera’s, so as I was trying to roll on a condom which is not easy when your spaced out I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice said ” I wouldn’t do that if I were you sir ” I turned around and saw two coppers trying to keep a straight face. Try to imagine the scene ,two coppers turn up and catch me  trying to mount a mannequin from behind and worse still under the light it turned out to be a man mannequin. I never seem to have any luck on these one night stands, one night I took a short cut home from the pub along the railway tracks and I met a woman we hit it off striaght away the sex was fantastic I was hoping for a blow job but I couldn’t find her head.shed

The next morning the nice police man said I could go home with my carer, the ride home was quite a frosty affair and as soon as we pulled up on the drive she frog marched me down the garden path and locked me in the shed for a few days only letting me out for hospital  appointments.   On my last visit some junior doctor reckons I’ve got  ADHD that’s attention deficit disorder ( I’ve no idea what the H stands for) it’s all bollocks.  ADHD ,Tourettes , Autism or council house kids as we used to call them, it’s all to easy to label kids with behavioural problems when all they really need is a good clip around the ear, so if some wet behind the ear social worker tells you you have ADHD pay no attention.

My attempts to get back into her good books have been mixed, I started to research her family tree but most of them were dead, then I tried to get her something special for her birthday but the council said they couldn’t sell me any mongs. Anyway she agreed to go out for a slap up meal so in order to pay for it we decided to sell some old junk at the local car boot sale , unfortunately I let her drive  and she parked the car the wrong way and somebody offered us £50 for the engine.

That night we hit the town we started off with cod and chips at Harry Ramsdon’s and then we sampled the selection of guest ale’s Continue reading “The idiot’s back”

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On the pull (again)

M 180  the best thing to come out of Doncaster.
M 180 the best thing to come out of Doncaster.

My carer’s away for the weekend so I decided to cruise the hot spots of Doncaster. I now know why this city has  a horse racing track,  as I’ve never seen so many swamp donkey’s in one place before and they’re not all home grown,  I saw several Polish munter’s and a few Latvian mingers .   Actually they were easy to spot as they were still quite thin as opposed to the local birds who are a little more substantial around the mid-riff area.   Anyway as I have standards I won’t consider anybody  who can’t eat with their mouth shut and I don’t like women with tattoo’s or ex-stream body piercings . However should she be  blessed with the ability to do joined up talking then that  would be an advantage.

I know it sounds like a pretty tall order but I got lucky, I first laid eyes on her while she was deep throating a hot-dog ( and it didn’t even seem to touch the sides) we exchanged glances and she came over to me and in a firm voice said ” Wot ya fookin lookin at”. It was love at first sight I just stood there gazing at her greasy hair and the tide mark around her neck which had a hint of green from wearing Argos jewelry in the rain .  “Can I get you a pint” I said, “Arr goo-on then” she said.

My flexible freind
My flexible friend

It turns out her name was Pat and she works at Greggs and despite her chubby looks is quite agile , as I remember we were stood in the Que at the kebab shop and she cocked her leg up and was able to lick her toes even if it meant showing everybody her underpants.

I asked her if she was a vampire. ”   No why ! ”   she replied well that means if your not a vampire  you can see your reflection in a mirror,   and you still came out looking like that,  well that comment seamed to just fly over her head.  It was then that I realized her IQ must still be in single figure’s  which probably mean’s  she’s unlikely to be allowed to use anything sharp like a razor, and that would account for her excessive body hair.

Once back at her council flat she wasted no time getting her kit off, she was deferentially up for it. When the shinny gold top came off  reveling the saggiest tits I’ve ever seen in fact in a competition she could wipe the floor  with them. Still it’s an improvement on the last trollop I picked up as she wore a Wonder bra  when she took it off I wondered where they were. Now I’ve always been a hit with the lady’s and I’m known as the Titanic as I always go down first time out,   however  in her case I should have took a machete  as it wasn’t so-much a bush but more of a jungle I’ll bet I was munching carpet for ten minutes before I found the pink prawn .

Next week I’m off to Mansfield to distribute soap for the needy and I might as well check out the local talent while I’m there.imagesCAPK3X7Q

I’m too sexy for my shirt ( cos it don’t fit )

You  might be surprised to learn that I actually work for a living as a gynecologist ( and we all know what they work with) in a local factory and since the Christmas holidays some people I work with  have been trying to loose a few pounds.  Most join a gym and immediately  loose £20   every month, but most just half heatedly go on a diet for a few days. I find it quite amusing that these newly health conscious dieters can’t walk past a set of scales without jumping on them to see if they’ve lost any weight, ” O look I’ve lost a kilo since this morning” they’d say not realizing they’ve took their coat off.download Break times must be hard for them as I sit munching on a cheese and ham sandwich smothered in wholegrain mustard with a slice of pork pie on the side worrying about weather to eat my chocolate chip muffin now or after I’ve  had a slice of carrot cake  when all they have is a Ryvita and some tasteless cottage cheese, you can almost see the look of depression on their faces, some struggle on but most just admit defeat  and reach for the cheese and onion crisps stashed in the bottom of their bag.6OL2QCA1GB7VVCABEHGIMCAK25GWXCA1UFE3CCAMZ6BS7CA6RSTJKCAVI59SLCAJXRZV1CAF9YXF9CAVASSG2CAUOU4G7CA2CERF6CA18QWMGCAMBXBIKCAUOL5W1CAQEOMAXCAFD0RAQCAVS5A0SCA4TNSYJ

Those that have joined the gym do so to get in shape, well round is a shape and I didn’t need to join a gym in order to sculpt my physic ( 20 yrs laid on the settee eating chocolate). One of the dangers of gym membership is your exposed to floor to ceiling mirrors  so you can’t avoid looking at other people and if your caught looking at some housewife’s backside while she’s bent over your called a pervert, well I was.   And watching sweaty guys pumping iron in tight clothes while grunting and working out with the weights could get you labeled as weird or if your lucky a date as a lot of men who are still nervous about coming out of the closet like to join a gym in order to  window shop if you know what I mean.

Once you start looking after your body with diet and exercise it’s a certainty that you’ll start using male grooming products like moisturizer’s and body rubs or just   something to trim your facial hair( do you know what the difference is between a gay man’s mustache and a straight man’s mustache.    The smell. ) I know I need to trim my pubes as every time I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio as joined the Taliban.

A recent survey suggests 40% of men over 40 have erection problems well I’m not surprised looking at 40% of women over 40.  Anyway I’m holding a  charity  fund raiser for people who struggle to achieve  an orgasm, if you can’t come let me know.

You don’t need to be fit and in shape to have a good sex life either,  since turning 50 my sex life’s gone wild,  only the other day I was laid half asleep  when she called my name and told me to relax she then slipped two fingers up my arsehole  and wiggled them about, it was amazing I came twice inside a minute.   F5EGJCA58X41WCAXUI38QCAJXRCZ2CALACDF1CABAFOUVCANQB5RQCAJ2T9LKCAQETW2TCAPRHME2CAFL9UCHCAWIRFN9CAOZPF41CAQ7WFHNCA2DZDONCA06U4H9CAK34LMFCAXC35RHCAKM3YZRCAFNH581              These N.H.S. prostrate exams are brilliant.   Although last week I went for my routine 6 monthly check up and everything looked fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse, I really think I’m going to have to change dentist’s.   Recently I’ve started to get in touch with my inner self so I won’t be buying anymore Tesco value toilet rolls again.

Never mind "bite the pillow" what are you going to do with that microphone.
Never mind “bite the pillow” what are you going to do with that microphone.

Got to go only my carer’s just text me ” there’s a big black guy following me into the park come and get me——————in about an hour.”

 

Snow white and the sex dwarfs

AFJ71XPCA7XU730CAGPNXIMCAH0900BCA0T6RZVCA01I9QVCA5TBJE9CA4DZB13CADSS52HCAE5AGPQCA7ZQWHTCASXSFMOCA84OLUXCA5CE02VCA776096CAB86J6KCAZF9MNJCAG5FJJVCATVIH7XOnce upon a time in a bus shelter in Rotherham Sharon conceived a child with her long term boy friend Wayne  White (I say long term as they have known each other for over three weeks  ) he was a real catch as  he had a job at Subway, so he not only got a wage but he got free food as well.

Nine months later she gave birth to a baby girl it had pale skin and jet black hair and she was going to be called Britney after her pop idol,  however the real Britney went into melt down and shaved her head  so Sharon decided to call it Snow and the three of them lived happily over a burger bar on the high street.  But Sharon found it difficult adapting to her new life of being a parent with no more late nights on the town getting pissed with the girls and no more one night stands in the park. The responsibility of looking after a child 24/7 wasn’t worth the family allowance or the working tax credit ,  so she thought sod this I’m off and she moved in with a mate leaving Wayne all alone with young Snow.AG4PD29CAI0QF47CAR9U785CATF7B7VCA5T32FACAXIVL3OCA0CRA6WCA7Z4XCKCAF2GMJ2CAU1HC4RCAUSOE4SCANBK7F9CAZJ4PXGCAJGLWVPCAFHOHOJCAWAVZXXCADFUKC1CAM547AKCA2OI5HB

The years passed by and Snow grew up to be a real hot chick and Wayne  got him self another women. AEU1YASCAY22ZWRCAD4M4V6CAIQ96BHCAXX96IECAM2YQR3CAX1VXDLCAMF84BTCAMFXLWKCA92T0JKCA2Q4NI3CAL4ZT4VCAHIOMZYCA6X6C5PCAZHAA9KCAUZ94A7CA3H4SEFCANIVIQBCA9AGV2H  Her name was Brenda  unfortunately  she took an instant dislike to Snow, you see she didn’t like her stunning looks and pert little tits and the fact that she was the only fourteen year old in Rotherham that didn’t have a tattoo. Every day Brenda would look in the mirror and see herself getting older her tits were heading south her belly was hanging over her tracky bottoms and the green ring around her neck caused by years of wearing cheap Argos jewelry was not fading and she would stair in the mirror and  say ” mirror mirror on the wall who’s the hottest of them all” and it would reply   ” Not you   it’s Snow White you chubby slapper”.     I forgot to mention she also hears voices in her head.

Brenda soon hatched a plan to get rid of Snow White, she paid a Romanian window cleaner to take her into the  Yorkshire forest and do her over but he only had enough bus fare to get to Rawmarsh so he dumped her on the high street. Snow White found it very scary wondering the  streets of this strange town she could see people watching her from around their cardboard windows.     As the day wore on it became dark and she needed somewhere to stay so seeing an open window  of a large house she climbed in, there was food in the fridge so she made a sandwich and then feeling tired she found a bed and had an hour’s kip.

She awoke to the sound of voices lots of voices seven to be precise, ” Hello what are you doing in my bed” said one of the little voices  as she opened her eye’s ” Err sorry I was very tired and I’m lost ” “Who are you said another little voice” my name is Snow , Snow White err why are you all on your knees” she said. We are not on our knees we are dwarfs and this is a sex offender’s hostel, my name is  Doc they call me that cos I spend a lot of time at the clinic being treated for STD’s. This is Bashful he’s a bit shy but he’s alright when he’s wearing his gimp mask that’s dopey he’s usually spaced out man. Thats    Grumpy he suffers from premature ejaculation, and over here we have Happy he’s on Prozac and this is Sleepy he always confuses  his Rohypnol  with his Viagra and finally this is Sneezey he gets hey fever.

Snow White then told the dwarfs about wicked Brenda trying to get rid of her and how she was all alone with no one to turn too, as she was telling the dwarfs about her predicament she noticed they were all getting undressed and then as she looked at Grumpy and Doc they said ” it’s not your lucky day is it ”

When they’d all finished having a ride they all went down stairs and ordered a Chinese. After a brief discussion the dwarfs said she could stay in the cupboard under the stairs just in case the social services came round cheeking up on them.

Right then no scratching no biting and I don't do anal
Right then no scratching no biting and I don’t do anal

It turned out to be a great arrangement Snow did the cooking cleaning and ironing and the dwarfs serviced her every night  and they also made a few films on their mobile phones and uploaded them onto the net and word soon got around about Snow White and her seven sex dwarfs and when Brenda got to find out she was livid so she stole invalid scooter and raced over to Rawmarsh and disguised as a giant tomato knocked on the front door of the hostel and offered her a free sample of ketchup  ( what kid doesn’t have ketchup on everything) only this ketchup was laced with rat poison.

So after a kebab meat and chips with lots of ketchup Snow White fell unconscious  into a comer The dwarfs  at this point started to panic they couldn’t take her to hospital as they were under curfew and as a condition of their parole they are not allowed near minors so they just kept her under the stairs in a large fish tank which had a heavy lid on it it stopped the house from smelling and kept the fly’s away as after a few weeks she was getting a bit ripe.

Speculation about Snow White and why she had stopped making movies with the dwarfs was rife   but rumors about her death became stronger and so one day there was a knock on the door of the sex offenders hostel Dopey opened it to find  a dashing young man called Kirk he wanted to see Snow white and after a little persuasion and a  cream egg  Dopey opened the door under the stairs to reveal Snow Whites body laid in a glass coffin( well fish tank ).A0V531FCAJ7IXM0CABFIFZNCA7GH2G1CAR2LRHBCADRN6WXCAL2F3WLCAD19X0GCAXFYQXQCA0H75XWCAF1D24JCAE6WBEICAGWS3C1CATCP7QFCA2UC0S8CAFVP55NCA9UMJCSCAKVR1RPCAWTD5EP Kirk gently opened the heavy lid of the fish tank and lent inside and kissed her on the lips. So with the stench of rotting flesh filling the hostel the dwarfs all thought Kirk was a fooking pervert and for twenty quid he could have the fish tank  and Snow White , so he loaded it in the back of his Fiat Bravo  and drove off and they all lived happily ever after.

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It’s party time girls ( part two )

The amusing thing about having a night out on the town is watching people’s behavior while slowly descending into an alcoholic stupor. The girls I like best are the fat birds as most of them seem to have a common sense by-pass ,when they first hit the town most of these swamp donkey’s turn up wearing tight mini skirts or hot pants some even manage to spray a skimpy dress on. The weather could be freezing or raining but you can guarantee they won’t be wearing a coat.

daily_picdump_942_640_01I love watching them stagger from pub to pub clutching a Bacardi  Breezer while eyeing up the lads, and if they haven’t pulled by ten o’clock they start flashing their underpants in a suggestive manor . I don’t think anyone’s told them that most men don’t find a fat chick sprawled out on the pavement covered in vomit with her legs wide open flashing the gash  in the least bit attractive. As a last resort they can always comfort themselves with a large kebab.ANRYAD5CAE6PJBTCACLTFFECANFPF6XCA769PJNCAHA5B9TCAVYA3KPCAWB3J4PCAHST8ZJCA4JG6U3CAX1YPZPCAAGHZJECA2S0FM8CAYKYDPZCAN2XYT1CAVLZBAFCAYFQJE7CAJO89A5CAYDJV67 ACD8UOGCAIH2ESGCA4PKHL1CAZM2KV0CA9KHL6HCAC4VAWTCA4PQ51SCAUBCI8QCA4Y9DECCAQ3A14VCA7KF4J4CA8BLTCFCA9FS9C0CAKM33YJCATX22L8CAMG5XQCCA44JKLTCAGZT463CAWZLQHK ANX00A5CAEMGJJGCAUR238ZCAKZ032GCABERDGMCA43I02UCADYOXH7CAGRMM0KCAEWH70XCAJQIUR4CAR4GP6ACA1U7NPOCAESPUISCAN5Z86ICAS2FPPNCAF0FSNSCA1VB9OJCA5IPA0GCAG7TKT0 APDVMNWCA1V07VJCA7XFN0UCA8T08YVCA316CVTCAVNN396CANKQTL7CAMKM464CA38PC0DCA4B2NJLCA37UU8YCA031RRFCAOTSZWBCAMQ87DICA8JFU7NCASD8N8WCAXGUX0HCA20IC35CAJEYZ7X AXHW84CCAD7AH3ICAPM6V4RCAFACDDCCADTOTC4CA8WCF6ACAX6U6OXCALOUS32CAZ01BROCAEG99ESCAH4HUOBCAXJMPYKCA2PCAECCAG1IW4YCAIIGPG9CAYVRBXZCARY1NVDCAISR913CANQ3N8V drunk-people-01 AWUBAPOCAJ8AJ89CAAYE4NOCAOUKP3XCA7IIAT1CA30GL7ZCAOHG02JCAKIBL38CA3WLK7WCAPGFHFFCAP3WOM7CADDPZDCCAX04XZ1CATGQIEQCA0UFOTCCAI7H863CAQ61WXKCAASJC8UCAQ7ALW2

However one or two of these heifers get lucky every so often  now there’s nothing wrong with riding a fat bird only it’s a bit like riding a moped it’s great fun but you don’t want your mates finding out.AGGZTMUCARH813ACATFBJ7CCAKXAUTSCAGCD909CAIOXXD1CAJ8VJ5ICA82YZPDCA36PAYXCAQSCMH2CAKDZBBTCA0HSGE3CAMU63MICAK5JAKHCARUK8GVCAVP6OH2CA0U4JTJCAP9PJTTCALG4IB2daily_picdump_782_640_01

It’s party time girls.

A0IL23FCAGCK4ZACAW2NRLECAX8DKUYCAJ0UL4BCASRQ2ZPCAPAE7W9CA6FXX3ICAZ83GRECAHXFQN7CAH6CN32CAKG4Q46CAH5H3I2CATNMW0VCAOCGS98CAMIYYL5CAT9WBPTCADVNUVSCA3IC92VMy carer told me if I behaved she would take me out at the weekend and allow me to have a few Shandy’s and mingle with the Christmas revelers.

So on  Saturday night we hit the town and what’s left of the pub trade were doing plenty of business mainly serving over priced alcho pops to teenage girls in very short dresses and high heels and bottled larger to the young men and as you would expect after a couple of bottles they were havin it large and doing impressions of someone with ceribril palsy,   by that I mean doing the silly hand signals and saying yeeeeeerrr havit and wickeeed a lot.     Now for some reason this makes them very attractive to girls with a limited intellect,  you can usually find this sort of girl  stacking shelves at Asda or asking you if you’d “like fries with that sir”  at McDonald’s   They are the type of girl who are impressed when the lads chant football songs while  in the Que at the local kebab shop. but as the night drags on and the booze kicks in it’s not long before they are staggering back to the taxi rank stopping only to have a piss in the charity shop door way.AI8OP1ECA39EL3VCARAFFGTCAKLTK28CANNPODYCATK2TV1CARJ2XBBCASIZ8ZKCAUKLLXLCAJ203A0CA2FVA3SCA7VTTZTCALD0B7CCA44L57CCA85A612CAD7GB87CAD5C6YOCA5PTM01CAHOMQN0

SHOCK NEWS the D.F.S. sale is under way

Had a good Christmas have we,    mine went OK it started off on Christmas eve  doing a bit of last-minute shopping whilst wearing my mistletoe belt, but I didn’t get any action just a few funny looks.    Then as we were about to go up to bed I thought about leaving something out for Santa,   so  I left a couple of potatoes and a shot of vodka on the coffee table

” what,s that for ” said my carer.

“Well chances are some polish twat will have pinched Santa’s  job by now” I replied

Christmas morning  arrived and so did all the family and as we all gathered round the tree opening our presents  I got a pair of socks  and my carer got  everything she wanted off  her Christmas list    milk eggs toilet rolls butter etc. However  there was one present in particular which seemed to attract everybody’s attention. It wasn’t a big present it was just a small box but it seemed to be vibrating  and buzzing which made it move along the laminate floor all by its self which was all very intriguing and quite  amusing for the kids, but who’s present was it. When we finally managed to catch it the label read to Brenda merry Xmas from the lads at work.                   ( Brenda works in a slaughter-house stunning the pigs and cows before hanging them up and slitting their throats , and from the strange  look in her eye’s you sometimes get the imprecision that she loves her job) .  Anyway she ripped off the wrapping paper and opened the box pulling out an Eight inch  black vibrating dildo with movable head,AL7HYHCCA63GBMLCAA1GHCGCAPM8QIHCAAJDQEDCAJ28CH8CAXNZAA4CAXGCA0ZCAGPUUFACAT2N25YCAUOXZ38CAILUF2KCAYISQHICAAYHS1ICAK8UV0NCAB9YVMOCASO12G6CAOKP5WCCAMP0YHZ the look of shock and  embarrassment on her face was priceless the younger kids were asking their parents ” what is it  mummy” the teenagers were sniggering and the older women were dumbstruck. Brenda could be seen muttering under her breath “I don’t want this, what do I want that for” and quick as a flash auntie  Flo said ” swap you for a my Boots gift set it’s got bath salts and some smelly stuff for your feet. Then auntie June said” I’ve got two bottles of sherry and a chocolate orange, only I need a new one as my electric toothbrush is knackered “. And so Christmas morning started to look like some weird  auction where middle-aged women are trying to swap thoughtfully bought  presents from their loved ones for the chance to own a sex toy from an Anne Summers shop,

Auntie Flo won the dildo.
Auntie Flo won the dildo.

I went to the pub.

When I came back from the pub I walked into the kitchen and with a glint in my eye I said ” Heyup lass I don’t often say this but you’re looking like a real hot  girl” to which she replied I’m not surprised I’ve been stood in front of four gas rings and a hot oven for the past three hours you drunken c**t.

The family across the road asked us round for drinks but my carer didn't trust me to behave
The family across the road asked us round for drinks but my carer didn’t trust me to behave

Christmas day is becoming just like any other day to me,  sat at a table with a fat bird that doesn’t gobble anymore .