Have you missed me, my carer has had me locked up in the shed for the last couple of months apparently I can’t be trusted to behave when I’m on my own. It all started when I went out on a stag do one of the male nurses from the hospital I frequent ( no by choice I might add ) he invited me to come along and help him enjoy is last night of freedom with some of his mates.As the night went on and the beers flowed somebody in the party thought it would be a good idea to slip me a tab of LSD in the hope I might trip out, nothing much happened at first then the pink dragons came out of the gents and started to dance, it seemed all very odd so I decided to leave and head home. It was at this time I met this half-naked woman in the high street she didn’t say much but I could tell she fancied me, and after giving her all the usual chat up lines as I dragged her down the high street eventually we finished up behind the bins at the back of Tesco’s ,and it was about that time the LSD wore off. Unfortunately I was so preoccupied with this passionate encounter I never saw the CCTV camera’s, so as I was trying to roll on a condom which is not easy when your spaced out I felt a hand on my shoulder and a voice said ” I wouldn’t do that if I were you sir ” I turned around and saw two coppers trying to keep a straight face. Try to imagine the scene ,two coppers turn up and catch me trying to mount a mannequin from behind and worse still under the light it turned out to be a man mannequin. I never seem to have any luck on these one night stands, one night I took a short cut home from the pub along the railway tracks and I met a woman we hit it off striaght away the sex was fantastic I was hoping for a blow job but I couldn’t find her head.
The next morning the nice police man said I could go home with my carer, the ride home was quite a frosty affair and as soon as we pulled up on the drive she frog marched me down the garden path and locked me in the shed for a few days only letting me out for hospital appointments. On my last visit some junior doctor reckons I’ve got ADHD that’s attention deficit disorder ( I’ve no idea what the H stands for) it’s all bollocks. ADHD ,Tourettes , Autism or council house kids as we used to call them, it’s all to easy to label kids with behavioural problems when all they really need is a good clip around the ear, so if some wet behind the ear social worker tells you you have ADHD pay no attention.
My attempts to get back into her good books have been mixed, I started to research her family tree but most of them were dead, then I tried to get her something special for her birthday but the council said they couldn’t sell me any mongs. Anyway she agreed to go out for a slap up meal so in order to pay for it we decided to sell some old junk at the local car boot sale , unfortunately I let her drive and she parked the car the wrong way and somebody offered us £50 for the engine.
That night we hit the town we started off with cod and chips at Harry Ramsdon’s and then we sampled the selection of guest ale’s Continue reading “The idiot’s back”