Research suggests that Doncaster has more swamp donkey’s per head of population than anywhere else in the country, these sexual predators seek out drunken young men who are to pissed to resist and then carry out sexual assaults on them. The victims never admit to falling prey to these lusty birds for fear of ridicule from their mate’s. So how easy is it to spot a swamp donkey, well their clothes come from Matalan or Tesco the jewelry is from Argos ( look for the green lines where the necklace should be ). And once they hit the streets with the waft of cheap perfume they can drink most men under the table and be able to shovel in a pizza and a kebab in no time so look out for a flabby belly bursting out from under her crop top. It’s highly likely she will have at least a couple of tattoo’s one on her back and one on her tits.
Normally I work most weekends but I’m suspended, you see I like getting stoned and listening to the specials I love working in a care home but the manager might have a different view. So in the interest of science I arranged a trip to Dumb caster to see if I could catch one in the wild. Traveling up the M18 was a bit slow as there was slow moving traffic heading for Sheffield, namely dozens of Roma gypsy’s heading for the city of sanctuary with the promise of free housing and benefits galore.
Once in Doncaster we parked up near a sink estate which was forced to be full of chav’s vermin and swamp donkeys and from the main road it looked like a holding pen for the Jeremy f***ing Kyle show.
Anyway it didn’t take long before a few likely candidates slithered into the local Yates wino lodge at first I thought she was a farm hand as she had what looked like a bale of straw under each arm and then I remembered we were in south Yorkshire a place where women don’t shave and wax is for candles. In fact a beauty spar in Doncaster is a good looking shop. Back to the girl, our eyes met across a crowded pub she smiled and her tooth glinted in the soft light shining from the gents toilet, and then in her broad Yorkshire accent she said ” heyup a tha gunna ger us a drink then” so I bought her a pint of Bacardi Breeza with a lemonade top. We soon found a seat and started talking and during our conversation she sat there picking her nose only stopping to have a swig of Bacardi and I was trying to find out what she had had for tea as most of it was down her front. After a few more pints I offered to buy her a kebab ” fooking hell tha a smooth bastard I bet thall want ter tec mi on race course and bang me after ” she said and then without stopping for breath she said ” come on I know a short cut”