As you can imagine I get loads of emails offering me Viagra or a penis enlargement and even slimming pills but a few people who follow this site often ask for advice, so here are a collection of requests and replies.
Dear Mr Idiot we live in Rotherham and are very poor I haven’t had a benefit increase for years and since everybody on our street is in the same situation it has become a high crime area, we take turns shiting on the lawn so the local thieves think we have a big dog. We must be the only house on our street that doesn’t have a 3D telly we have to make do with a 40 inch LCD, even the low life scum on Jeremy F****ing Kyle are better dressed than us. What can we do. luv Brenda xxx.
Well Brenda have you thought of moving to Sheffield the city council are run by a bunch of fooking idiots who have burdened the people of that once great city with all sorts of expensive visions like the student games which they are still paying for and now it’s a city of sanctuary so posing as a Roma gypsy you will get all kinds of extra benefits all you need to do is talk gibberish and hold your hand out, it should make you an extra couple of hundred quid a week plus you can use your hovel in Rotherham as a week end retreat.
Dear Mr Idiot I’m loosing my hair and my manhood isn’t that big what should I do.
Buy a Porsche.
Dear Mr Idiot my boyfriend say’s I’m no good at sorting out simple problems that pop up from time to time. How do I prove him wrong.
Top tip. when nailing your bollocks to the kitchen table as part of some sadomasochistic pleasure trip try to keep the pliers with-in arms reach and not in the tool box in the shed.
And while we’re on the subject “Harder” is not a good choice for a safe word.
Dear Mr Idiot just thought I’d let you know my 13yr old niece is back home after she went missing apparently the guy from the chip shop invited her to a Bukake party what ever that is, can’t think what came over her.The police were very helpful in trying to find her at one point they told us they were bringing in a sniffer dog to help track her scent, so we gave them a pair of her used panties he sniffed them and began slobbering and getting all exited anyway a few minutes later the sniffer dog arrived and the search got under way.
Dear Mr Idiot I’ve think I’ve just discovered the secret of invisibility all you need to do is stand in a super market doorway with a charity tin.
I saw that Amanda Holden on the telly the other day, if she has any more face lifts she’ll have to brush her teeth with Vagasil.