I’ve organized a day trip to the local nut house in order to give the general public some idea of how people like me are treated. Hopefully you’ll get to see the many therapy sessions and interactive roll playing all run by recently qualified wet behind the ears psychologist aided by a multitude of anti-psychotic drugs that should give us a chance to take our place in society without causing embarrassment or alarm to others. If your really lucky I’ll get you into the rubber room were you can try on a strait jacket and the nurses can take turns sexually abusing you in the dark . Then finally we’ll finish up on the general ward just in time to catch the medication trolly were I’m sure we could arrange a tasting session as we have a wide range of anti-depressants and hallucinogenic tablets for you to try. By the way you’ll need to bring some crayons with you as I’ve eaten all mine .
I was laid on the couch watching TV when I heard a bit of a commotion out side there was a group of people gathered around a young lad who had just come of his moped , I rushed outside and shouted ” out of the way ” as I pushed my way though the crowd , are you a doctor someone said no I replied he’s delivering my pizza. Anyway back to the TV the news was on and it was about the Rolf Harris case ,some young Muslim girl was almost molested by him ” I’ll never forget the smell and the feel of that horrid beard against my face “Rolf said.
Two Pakistani’s were doing some landscaping at the front of my house when the ground gave way and they finished up at the bottom of a disused well. It’s dreadful having to listen to their screams for help all day but I can’t get any cement delivered till tomorrow.
My carer won some anal beads at the village coffee morning, so we thought we’d give them a go, now being a man I didn’t think I needed to read the instructions I just dipped them in some lube (bubble bath) and rammed them home while my carer made chimpanzee noises ( uh-ar-ee-oo etc) . Now according to the instructions your supposed to pull them out slowly and gently in order to maximize the sensation of pleasure. Ho dear I’ve been trying to start her up like a chain saw.Anyway while I had her in the mood I thought we might as well make a porn video, it only lasts three minutes but we have an extended one that lasts twenty minutes but it has a lot of snoring and farting in it .
I’ve just read about an alien who has just crash landed his spaceship in Bradford, during his interrogation he was asked why had he come and what did he want. Well said the alien all I want is what every other alien gets free money,housing benefit, free health care and laws passed so people can’t complain about it.