Nearly time to vote.

It’s erection time again and in a few days time you will get the chance to choose a  new government, but which bunch of pricks do you want to be saddled with for the next five years. At the moment we have the Tory-Liberal coalition  who have been forced to make very difficult and painful choices in order to steer us out of the catastrophic mess created by the previous Labour administration and there is still some way to go yet before we  balance the books. So a vote for the Tory’s will mean more of the same which is not a  perfect situation by any means but it as made us  one of the fastest growing economy’s  in the world, creating hundreds of thousands of jobs ,  it’s given us a strong pound while Euro land is still on it’s knee’s talking about doing something in the future. The IMF said we were on the wrong track and we should borrow more but the governments strong economic plan was the only way  out of the usual Labour induced economic mess  making the IMF economists predictions wrong not once but every year.

You could vote for Ed Moribund he used to be commissar Brown’s cabin boy  making the tea in the back room while good old Gordon ruined the country. After the electorate came to their senses and voted them out, comrade Brown got the boot  but before he went he made sure the next leader was a left wing socialist type and not some middle of the road Blair-ite .So red Ed entered the leadership elections along with his brother David who was odds on favorite to win as he was seen to be acceptable to the establishment the rank and file membership and also large parts of the public, but it didn’t mater how many voted for him it would never be enough because young Ed had sold his soul  to the devil aka, Len McCluskie . He along with about 70 other MP’s had agreed to do the union’s biding in exchange for what’s left of their dignity  . As the only candidate with the union’s block vote the job of leader was assured, so as he approached the stage for his first speech as leader the sound of ” Puppet on a string” filled the hall and that was the death knell of new Labour.miliband

And what policies as he come up with after five years, a price freeze on energy prices however prices have been falling every year so they kicked that one  into the long grass but as petrol is 30p cheaper than last year expect them to put at least 10p on a liter to start with along with increases in beer and tobacco and it’s the working man who will suffer as usual . They won’t touch the non-doms  they bring in to much tax money and they won’t bother Google, Amazon or Starbucks about their questionable tax arrangements  . And now we come to  the elephant in the room the NHS, Labour are responsible for privatizing the NHS with their PFI  private funding initiative  a scheme were private money ( 30 Billion pounds ) is invested in the NHS and re payed over fifty years or so ( 80 Billion pounds ) . They go on about saving the NHS  and sorting it out, so why they didn’t do it during their thirteen years in office .They did the same with transport. and you wonder why we are in such a mess. Just look at their front bench it’s practically the same team of irresponsible halfwits that failed to react to the last world economic collapse. So the big question is, do you want a bunch of Unison / GMB controlled MP’s applying the usual tax and spend, borrow and  waste policies.nicola 2

nicola 5All the signs are that we may get a hung Parliament so Moribund will have to form a coalition with another party and it looks like that will be the SNP lead by Janette Krankie a woman determined to break up the UK1416617016370_Image_galleryImage_JIMMY_KRANKIE_OF_THE_KRAN and inflict a raft of silly left wing policies on the electorate. So if your not careful Red Ed the union puppet will have to climb into bed with Janette Krankie, his hands would be tried thanks to his union masters and she would be sat on his face calling the shots and blackmailing the party over Trident and increased borrowingnicola

Over the last few years the UKIP have grown in strength thanks to successive governments avoiding the problems of unlimited immigration from the EU and the constant stream of asylum seekers crossing several continents to get to the UK , a place where you can get a modern council house for free and loads of money free schools and health care, as a result we see communities swamped with Rumanian gypsy’s, Muslims from the most backward areas of the middle east eager for a hand out before wishing us all dead.multi UKIP’s other main policies are to do with getting us out of Europe, highlighting the blatant bureaucratic waste and corruption  and the EU’s unwillingness to do anything about it.

The Green party must be on the same medication as me because they  have come out with the most ridiculous drivel Ive ever heard 60% tax plus a wealth tax plus a land tax plus a landlord tax the green’s want to create more taxes than commissar Brown could ever dream of, and they want to spend it on wind mills and mental health.

And as for the Liberals well Cleggy or who ever is left after polling day  is gamboling on going into coalition with one of the two main party’s he say’s  wants to be the brains of a future Labour government, well a transit van full of special needs kids could do that job and as for being the heart of the Tory’s well you don’t get anywhere being soft.

Anyway I can’t sit here concocting this drivel I’m supposed to be handing out leaflets for the BNP in Rotherham.



It’s that time of year again folks

As the year draws to a close I thought I’d take time to remember the people and events of 2014.
The world of entertainment lost a few souls joan people like Joan Rivers a very funny woman who kept most of Beverly hills plastic surgeons in work. rikThen we have Rik Mayall who had a coronary episode,robin Robin Williams , GOOOOOOOD MORNING St PETER , testing the rafters with a belt.L’Wren-Scott-at-6ft-3-was-5-inches-taller-than-Mick-Jagger-5ft-10 Mick Jagger’s long suffering  bird L’Wen Scot who had probably had enough of him stung herself up with a silk scarfPeaches-Geldof-Instagram Peaches Geldof heroine junkie , runs in the family apparently  . philPhilip Seymour-Hoffman heroine overdose another insecure  attention seeking actor  .

The Russians started to interfere in the Crimea and shot down a jet.

triggerRoger Lloyd Pack , Trigger in only fools and horses.

Bob Hoskins, The long good Friday and Block Busters ( I’ll have a P please Bob )

James Garner, Shirley Temple, Billie Whitelaw and Micky Rooney.

UKIP on the march winning seats in parliament because the three main party’s aren’t listening to the voters.

Oscar Pistorius was found guilty of manslaughter and is now giving blow-jobs in the prison showers .oscar

Dickie Attenborough acclaimed actor, director  and all round lovie

Ebola is moving though west Africa and should be in London by next week.

Joe Cocker, Alvin Stardust and Russell-Brand_1534181c Russel Brand. ( that might be a bit premature )

Malcolm Glazier the yank who gave Munchester united 700 million pounds worth of debt to pay off.

The backward sand niggers of ISIS going back in time to the middle ages and doing the only thing Muslim’s are any good at, killing other Muslim’s and degrading women and loving goats.isis

Merry crimbo.

I’m on early release for Christmas.

If I promised to behave myself they said I could go home for Christmas, so armed with a carrier bag of medication that I’d picked up from the chemist I headed home, there were a hell of a lot of women in there picking up prescriptions, apparently 25% of all women are on medication  witch means there are 75% running around untreated which is quite scary. I made my way to the nearest bus stop, normally I’d take a taxi but I don’t want to run the risk of being groomed for sex by some Pakistani cab It’s not exactly rocket science to work out that it can’t just be one or two drivers who were fiddling with twelve year old girls because as there were over 1400 victims   I think it’s safe to say that most of Rotherham,s taxis are driven by pedophiles and rapists.multi Although I suspect since this scandal as hit the headlines they’ve turned their attention’s to the local goat population. indexSouth Yorkshire council have now stepped up security at the local community farm after two goats and a sheep were found to be involved  in a sex for feed ringindian-goat-funny. There are reports of local smallholders are forming vigilante groups to prevent their  goats from being kidnapped and forced into the sex trade. imagesSo if you see anything suspicious like a goat in a taxi on the M18 heading towards Doncaster call the police.goat-man-funny-travel-like-a-boss

10492473_10204295293448273_1892308706833842721_nSo here I am waiting for the bus outside this electrical shop I’m looking though the window watching Sky news, apparently there’s a typhoon on the Philippine coast  causing havoc, philippines_typhoon_haiyan_aftermath_nov_13_2 and as I look around at all the deprivation, carnage and despair on the faces of the  thousands of displaced foreigners  get_imgI wonder what it must be like in the Philippines.  The bus finally turned up and I finished up sat next to the sister of Abdul Ali who owns the shop at the bottom of our road apparently he was seriously injured in a hit and run and is now on a life support machine , so today the family have an agonizing decision to make should they close the shop and go visit him or do they stay open as usual.

Walking up the garden path the front door opened and my carer stood there with a look of deja- vu ” your back then” she said “come in ,kettle’s on “. So I’m sat on the sofa with a hot mug of tea and she starts taking off all her clothes ” put your tea down and make mad passionate love to me, twice! “. Well I was amazing ,I mean it was amazing and afterwards she told me to finish drinking my tea but it was still a bit to hot.

She had plans to get me out of the house over Christmas so she enlisted me into the sally army’s soup kitchen as a helper.  soup kitchenHowever she must have forgot that last year I was asked to leave after telling the people in the soup kitchen to hurry up and finish eating as some of us have homes to go to. Anyway  the Met office have said it’s going to be a warm end to December with record temps which as got most of the voluntary groups worried as they’re facing the realization that the local vagrants, wino’s and junkie’s might prefer to sit outside guzzling cheap super market larger rather than listening to a load of god bothering  happy clapping do gooders.


The swamp donkey

Research suggests that Doncaster has more swamp donkey’s per head of population than anywhere else in the country, these sexual predators seek out drunken young men who are to pissed to resist   and then carry out  sexual assaults  on them. pissedThe victims never admit to falling prey to these lusty birds for fear of ridicule from their mate’s. So how easy is it to spot a swamp donkey, well their clothes come from Matalan or Tesco the jewelry is from Argos ( look for the green lines where the necklace should be ). And once they hit the streets with  the waft of cheap perfume they can drink most men under the table and be able to shovel in a pizza and a kebab in no time so look out for a flabby belly bursting out from under her crop top. It’s highly likely she will have at least a couple of tattoo’s one on her back and one on her tits.fatchick

Normally I work most weekends but I’m suspended, you see I like getting stoned and listening to the specials I love working in a care home but the manager might have a different view.    So in the interest of science I arranged a trip to Dumb caster   to see if I could catch one in the wild. parkwayTraveling up the M18 was a bit slow as there was slow moving traffic heading for Sheffield, namely dozens of Roma gypsy’s heading for the city of sanctuary with the promise of free housing and benefits galore.

Once in Doncaster we parked up near a sink estate which was forced to be full of chav’s vermin and swamp donkeys  and from the main road it looked like a holding pen for the Jeremy f***ing Kyle show.

Anyway it didn’t take long before a few likely candidates slithered into the local Yates wino lodge at first I thought she was a farm hand as she had what looked like a bale of straw under each arm and then I remembered we were in south Yorkshire a place where women don’t shave and wax is for candles. In fact a beauty spar in Doncaster is a good looking shop.spar Back to the girl, our eyes met across a crowded pub she smiled and her tooth glinted in the soft light shining from the gents toilet, and then in her broad Yorkshire accent she said ” heyup a tha gunna ger us a drink then” so I bought her a pint of Bacardi Breeza with a lemonade top. We soon found a seat and started talking and during our conversation she sat there  picking  her nose only stopping to have a swig of Bacardi  and I was trying to find out what she had  had for tea as most of it was down her front. After a few more pints I offered to buy her a kebab ” fooking hell tha a smooth bastard I bet thall want ter  tec mi on race course and bang me after ” she said  and then without stopping for breath she said ” come on I know a short cut”10410751_10152975408353146_3240491691602177164_n


Dear idiot

imagesCARZ0CDGAs you can imagine I get loads of emails offering me  Viagra or a penis enlargement  and even slimming pills but a few people who follow this site often ask for advice, so here are a collection of requests and replies.

Dear Mr Idiot  we  live in Rotherham and are very poor I haven’t had a benefit increase for years and since everybody on our street is in the same situation it has become a high crime area, we take turns shiting  on the lawn so the local thieves think we have a big dog. We must be the only house on our street that doesn’t have a 3D telly we have to make do with a 40 inch LCD, even the low life scum on Jeremy F****ing Kyle are better dressed than us. What can we do. luv Brenda xxx.

Well Brenda have you thought of moving to Sheffield the city council are run by a bunch of fooking idiots who have burdened the people of that once great city with all sorts of expensive visions like the student games which they are still paying for and now it’s a city of sanctuary  so posing as a Roma gypsy you will  get all kinds of extra benefits all you need to do is talk gibberish and hold your hand out, it should make you an extra couple of hundred quid a week plus you can use your hovel in Rotherham as a week end retreat.

Sheffield city of sanctuary
Sheffield city of sanctuary

Dear Mr Idiot I’m loosing my hair and my manhood isn’t that big what should I do.

Buy a Porsche.

Dear Mr Idiot my boyfriend say’s I’m no good at sorting out simple problems that pop up from time to time. How do I prove him wrong.


Top tip.  when nailing your bollocks to the kitchen table as part of some sadomasochistic pleasure trip try to keep the pliers with-in arms reach and not in the tool box in the shed.

And while we’re on the subject “Harder” is not  a good choice for a safe word.

Dear Mr Idiot just thought I’d let you know my 13yr old niece is back home after she went missing apparently the guy from the chip shop invited her to a Bukake party what ever that is, can’t think what came over her.The police were very helpful in trying to find her at one point they told us they were bringing in a sniffer dog to help track her scent, so we gave them a pair of her used panties he sniffed them and began slobbering and getting all exited anyway a few minutes later the sniffer dog arrived and the search got under way.

Dear Mr Idiot I’ve think I’ve just discovered the secret of invisibility all you  need to do is stand in a super market doorway with a charity tin.

Top tip. we all need to save water which is why I dilute all mine.In-and-out-woosk-dot-com

I saw that Amanda Holden on the telly the other day, if she has any more face lifts she’ll have to brush her teeth with Vagasil.




The day trip

51fa70631e536 10492161_544519745648887_5656002964461374729_nI’ve organized a day trip to the local nut house in order to give the general public some idea of how people like me are treated. Hopefully you’ll get to see the many therapy sessions and interactive roll playing all run by recently qualified wet behind the ears psychologist   aided by a multitude of anti-psychotic drugs that should give us a chance to take our place in society without causing embarrassment or alarm to others. If your really   lucky I’ll get you into the rubber room were you can try on a strait jacket and the nurses can take turns sexually abusing you in the dark .  Then finally we’ll finish up on the general ward just in time to catch the medication trolly were I’m sure we could arrange a tasting session  as we have a wide range of anti-depressants and hallucinogenic tablets for you to try. By the way you’ll need to bring some crayons with you as  I’ve eaten all mine .images

I was laid on the couch watching TV when I heard a bit of a commotion out side there was a group of people gathered around a young lad who had just come of his  moped , I rushed outside and shouted ” out of the way ” as I pushed my way though the crowd , are you a doctor someone said  no I replied he’s delivering my pizza. Anyway back to the TV the news was on and it was about the Rolf Harris case ,some young Muslim girl was almost molested by him ” I’ll never forget the smell and the feel of that horrid beard against my face “Rolf said.

Two Pakistani’s were doing some landscaping at the front of my house when the ground gave way and they finished up at the bottom of a disused well. It’s dreadful having to listen to their screams for help all day but I can’t get any cement delivered till tomorrow.

My carer won some anal beads at the village coffee morning,  so we thought we’d give them a go,  now being a man I didn’t think I needed to read the instructions I just dipped them in some lube (bubble bath) and rammed them home while my carer made chimpanzee noises ( uh-ar-ee-oo  etc) . Now according to the instructions your supposed to pull them out slowly and gently in order to maximize the sensation of pleasure. Ho dear I’ve been trying to start her up like a chain saw.Anyway while I had her in the mood I thought we might as well make a porn video, it only lasts three minutes but we have an extended one that lasts twenty minutes but it has a lot of snoring and farting in it .10338271_10152526135237948_4252670461880471753_n

I’ve just read about an alien who has just crash landed his spaceship in Bradford, during his interrogation he was asked why had he come  and what did  he want. Well said the alien all I want is what every other alien gets  free money,housing benefit, free health care  and laws passed so people can’t complain about it.


Watching the world go by.

wtf-photos-videos-this-does-not-bode-well1I’ve sat on benches all over the world watching the world go by, be it Barcelona, Amsterdam Paris or Ingolmels there always something to see. so here I am sat on a graffiti covered bench over looking a council estate in Rotherham with the fragrant odor of urine wafting in the air. I’m on my break at the moment as I have a part time job at the local bingo hall, they were short staffed so they took me on for a couple of weeks and so far it’s not to bad. I got told off for not calling out the right numbers, like  meal for two 69 and so on, also I’ve learn’t  how to get an 70yr old woman  to shout ” fuckin hell” all you need to do is get her friend on the opposite table to shout ” bingo” .   Anyway back to the bench, on my way here I called in to a fast food outlet and asked for a chicken burger and fries to which the spotty adolescent replied ” do you want fries with that sir ”

KFC window licking  good.images

So I’m sat here munching on this processed chicken shite looking at what amounts to our future, the youth of today  most of them can’t dress themselves properly with their trousers falling down and their shoe laces undone riding about on a stolen BMX bike unable to string a simple sentence together without saying ” like” or ” innit” . Most of them are drunk or  on drugs looking for the next hit and nothing say’s junkie quite like standing outside cash convertors at 8,30 am with a PS1 in a Argos carrier bag.chavs-chavs-salt-scum-rnr-earth-demotivational-poster-1218797657

I’ve just spotted my neighbors lad shuffling down the road, he suffered a nasty brain injury about three years ago and finished up having a full frontal lobotomy, he still looks a mess head shaven stumbling about talking bollocks.uglyman-244x300  But the good news is he is on the mend and has got a bit of a part time job  handing leaflets out for the BNP in Rotherham town center on Saturday morning. His parents are a nice couple but they both suffer from anorexia it’s not a problem until they start making love to each other they seem to go at it for hours and  it’s  hard to get to sleep at nightANOREXIC it’s like listening to a skeleton having a wank in a biscuit tin.

Here’s a joke the local priest told me yesterday.

Two flea’s on a fanny one’s a junkie the others a mugger, how can you tell them apart.

The junkie will be sniffing crack and the mugger will be hiding in the bush.