Free porn

John Steinbeck once said “  Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn and it comes like a stealthy perfume of wild flowers hidden in the grass ” to which the smack head replied ” listen mate have you got 20p or not. “

After a 45 minute session of telling him how I was abused as a child I lay on the couch and said ” do you think I’m going mad”     ” Yes” said the DFS sales assistant

Did you see the Eurovision song contest and the look on the Greek finance minister’s face when the Greek act got the first twelve points I thought he was going to shit himself.

The Olympic’s will be packed with fit olympian’s  and the Paralympics will be packed with fitting limping  one’s.

45 quid for the England kit,  wait three weeks and you’ll get them for a tenner. 

He wears stockings and carries a knife and  he sneaks into young girl’s bedrooms.  I’m amazed Peter Pan has got away with it for so long.

How to win fame and incinerate people

They say it cost’s 200 k to raise a child that works out at 10k a year and if you have multiple offspring then it’s going to cost you a lot of money and what with a faltering economy and times being hard it might be a good idea to get a second job in order to make ends meet. Or if you’re a lazy benefit scrounger you could just set fire to the house and kill everybody in it, making it look like an accident. The main advantage’s of  BBQ-ing your family are a decent insurance pay out and a lot of symphony  with  a guest slot on the Jeremy f***ing Kyle show, which would go a long way to easing the pain of loosing your kids. However the down side is,you loose out on benifit payments and because you’re an idiot you will get caught out by the police, but don’t worry you’ll still get the fame and attention you’ve alway’s wanted because  people all over the country will remember your name as it will be mentioned in the same breath as Ian Brady and Myra Hindly,  Ritchard and Judy along with Fred and Rose West.

I’m a mentor

I had agreed to help out with a charity collection outside the Co-op at the weekend but I overlaid and so in my haste to get there on time I accidentally mixed up my medication and finished up taking the wrong one’s, instead of a couple of Prozac and a Valium chaser I took a handful of Viagra. It’s not a problem normally however when a gaggle of house wives are coming out of the store and are met by a weird guy with a hard on waving a collecting tin for sick children well it can be a little bit un-nerving  if you know what I mean.   We packed up at dinner time and I had collected about sixteen quid and a couple of phone numbers from a few old girls and a nice young man in a suit.   Talking of old girls one of them was waiting  by the cubical near the entrance and after five minutes or so it was her turn and she went in and ten minutes later she came out and asked me if I knew how to flush it as she couldn’t find the handle, ” Well love there’s a reason for that it’s a Photo booth” I said.

A couple of mornings a week I do missionary work in Rotherham and at the moment I’m mentoring a few school levers trying to help them into work. Basicly we sit in a circle and they tell me what they would like to achieve in life and I patronise them.  I like to encourage them to turn up well turned out as if they were going to a real  job interview that means no joggers or trainers, loose the baseball cap and the cheap bling,  it might also help if you have a wash and if your going to have a shave stand a bit closer to the razor it does make a difference.   I’m always giving them good advice like, Learn from your parents mistakes and wear a condom and be realistic don’t say you want to be an astronaut as space is quite dangerous, especially between your ears.  And please don’t get into a battle of wits as your unarmed

You know Tyrone no one would ever guess that you and your brother have had a lobotomy the way you wear that wig to hide the scares and how you’ve learnt to control the slobbering and dribbling in fact the pair of you look quite normal untill you start talking.

One of my regular’s is Tiffany a tubby little thing she has nine ear rings and a tattoo on her lower back she has her mid-riff hanging out and her roots need doing she is 100% chav.   Her purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others, when  she turn’s up for one of our little chats I can  see that twinkle in her eye’s,  ( it’s mainly the sun shining between her ears )   and it’s then that I realise there is no vaccine for stupidity. The worse thing about it is there are a million just like her,  too dumb and lazy to seek out employment and then hang on to it for more than a day and why should they worry  if they don’t win the Fix Factor or get off with a premier ship footballer then the benefit system affords them a reasonable lifestyle it certainly pays enough to live on pot noodles kebab and pisas all  washed down with a stella or two.

I saw this on my way through Rawmarsh the other day and I nearly crashed the van.

I wonder if these will be on sale at Asda

A trip into town

My carer gave me instructions on what she wanted from the shops and as I would be going alone I received the now customary threat of behave yourself or else. In order to miss the rush hour traffic I left home early and was parked up and wondering the high street by 8,30 am, now it’s been ages since I last went shopping in town and boy had it changed  everywhere you look there are ” TO LET ” signs and the so-called shopping precinct was made up of pound stretchers,  cash CONverters, betting shops , charity shops and instant loan shops you know the one’s borrow fifty quid till the end of the month and you only have to pay 1246% interest. These shops have sprung up after a succesful internet campaign which made them loads of cash from stupid people who had the internet so in order to catch even more of the dumb idiots who aren’t clever enough to own a computer they changed their strategy so  alongside the TV adds shops were opened up close to places like cash CONvertors or Ladbrookes in order to lure in the retarded  daily star reader or people so desperate for money which would keep them in pot noodles and stella till their dole money came in. Have I mentioned Gregg’s well in my town they have one shop at each end of the high street  that way it prevents all the chav’s and riff-raff from congregating in one place so you won’t be able to escape the fresh smell of their famous dog meat pasties’ ( now with extra VAT )

It’s five to nine and I’m sat on a bench outside the post office waiting for it to open there were just a couple of people waiting with me when all of a sudden we heard the unmistakable whine coming from the top of the road and in the distance we could see a dozen or more mobility scooters hurtling down the pedestrianized street causing  havoc as they run into other shoppers and knock over push chairs.  They had just been released into the community from their sheltered accommodation fueled up on Prozac, Mogodon and god knows what else,  half of them can’t even see what’s six feet away some are experiencing ” senior interludes” giving them the attention span of a goldfish.  I think they should be made to take a test before they are allowed to terrorise the streets on the damn things  Did you know Britain is the mobility capital of europe with over 300,000 of the bloody things mainly driven by the elderly and infirm with no road sense  at all, they have also become popular with the clinically obese who just can’t be bothered to walk anywhere.

I’m in the que at the post office stood at the side of some old guy who for no other reason than to make conversation wants to show me his new colostomy bag  but I appeared to show a lack of interest so off he went to bother some one else. The young girl in front of me was worried about getting dry skin I told her the biggest cause of dry skin was a towel , I could see her thinking about what I’d just said but I don’t think she  quite got it. One of my neighbours was also in the que, a very attractive woman with long hair and a rarther interesting chest. I think I sent her a dozen Christmas cards last year and she sent me a restraining order.

I don’t think these tablets are working

I saw my carer parading up and down the local red light district last night and I was totally shocked ‘ Your just degrading your self having sex with strange men for money now put your clothes on , there must be a better way of making money”   she said.

Now our local stud farm have just acquired a prize-winning sheep  unfortunately it’s a bit “techie” due to it being on heat so the farmer asked around to see if he could find anyone who might be interested in a bit of  bestiality for a couple of hundred quid, well for that kind of money I told him I’d think about it.  The next day I said I’d do it on three conditions 1 no kissing, 2 no one must know about it, OK said the farmer I agree, what’s the thired condition well I’ll need a couple of days to get the money together.

Since I’ve changed my medication women don’t feel safe around me any more , one of my neighbours is going around telling people that I’m spying on her all the time , well I can’t see anybody believing someone who only showers  once a week. And a girl at work as accused me of harassing her, so I’ve sent her 56 e-mail’s offering to take her out for a drink and to apologise .

As I sat on the settee eating corn flakes in my underpants I realized they would probably taste a lot better out of a bowel but it was saving on the washing up. Anyway my carer was giving me some grief about not doing enough with the kids and not taking her seriously or something like that. Remember if you’re arguing with a women and your armed with all the facts and the logic,  You’ve Lost. My wife should be a parole officer as she never lets me finish a sentence.

So I decided to take the kids for a walk to the local forest, along the way we came  across a man hanging from a tree, it looked like he had been there quite a while. So I lifted him down and went though his pockets as he could have a few quid on him, I could treat the kids to a big mac on the way home. The kids just stood there quite upset they were crying and had tears running down their little faces, “quick” I said “get me a strong stick”  “why what for” they asked”well do you want me to make you a swing or not”.

Girls like to blame weight gain on fluid retention, since when have Gregg’s dog meat pasties and the KFC family bucket been classed as fluid.

 

Missionary work

I’ve just help set up a new charity it’s called ” Tourette’s welfare and treatment” all we need now is an acronym and we’re good to go. While I was setting it up I had to travel to Sheffield and Rotherham quite a lot to attend meetings so rather than risk taking the car I decided to use public transport,

All aboard

and what an eye opener that was it was like being on the Jeremy f***ing Kyle road show with all manner of  un educated urban riff-raff getting on. Now I don’t want to tar everybody with the same toilet brush but most of the people getting on public transport after 9.30 am  appear to be either job seekers , asylum seekers or the great unwashed on their way to Cash Converters  with a household electrical appliance that they can swap for a fiver. Almost all of the girls over 15 yrs of age that got on the bus had push chairs containing yet another welfare claimant and sometimes the feckless half-wit she bread with gets on with her.Once we reach the town centre they exit the bus and pour into Poundland or Greg’s  and the lad’s head for Yates wine lodge for an early morning Stella before signing on. The  thing is they all look and act the same the boys stand around wearing the latest baseball cap with both hands down the front of their jogging bottoms and the girls are saving up the family allowance to get a good spay tan or a tattoo. Some of the things you see and hear while sitting on the bus can take your breath away sometimes. For example a couple of teenage girls were talking about going to have their navel’s pierced when one of them asked ” is diarrhea heredity” well I thought about telling her that it  probably ran in her jeans but I don’t think she would have got it.The conversation turned to children’s names “My sister called her kids after cars the oldest is called Mercedes the next one is Porsche and the baby’s called Lexus” said one of the girls, to which the other replied I wanted to call mine Nissan and Skoda  but the social services wouldn’t let me.

On one occasion I was sat opposite a butch lesbian you know the type  ”she  rolls her own tampons”,  anyway she was going for a job interview  at Tesco’s she had spiky hair  26 ear rings and was wearing a Nike track suit  she was covered in tattoo’s she had a deep voice and said fuck every other word, and I also sensed a fear of soap looking at the tide mark around her neck. ” Best of luck ” I said as she got off 

Then we have the hoards of asylum seekers eager to spend the huge fortune the stupid English give them every week, now if Oxfam can feed a family in Africa for two quid a day why does the British government find it nesseserry to give them twelve hundred pounds a month when they come here as asylum seekers.

Is this da way to Rotherham

Sometimes I meet an old inmate from the time when they kept people like me on drugs and locked up, one such time I met Mark he lived on the local council estate and was always finding ways of making money from one job or another and he liked to keep all his money under the mattress, after all who would think of looking in the front garden.   He told me about an amazing experience he had when he first tried on a ribbed condom it looked fantastic  in the mirror once he got a hard on,  he was so pleased with it he turned round to the chemists assistant and said I’ll take a dozen ” Would you like a paper bag sir” no she ain’t that ugly he said. ” So you have a girl friend then” I said  “well yer! I suppose,   her names Cheryl same as  that chav off Fix factor what likes blacks and if I want to, you know have sex and stuff all I need to do to like  turn her on is by gently blowing in her ear, it’s the only down side to having a inflatable girl friend.

You have to empty me every so often

Breaking news  the government are going to put surface to air misile’s on top of Tower Hamlets  

The Welsh are ready

                                             ERR! Shouldn’t that be Air to surface

Spring is in the air

Remember last week when all you muppets were queuing outside your local petrol garage panic buying fuel on the grounds that there might be a tanker strike in a few weeks   (which incidentally will be when your petrol tank will need filling again).It was all very unnesserseryand all it did was get people anoyed in fact I was madder than a one legged Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.  Why the union is taking strike action is beyond me as they are saying it is a safety issue,  so if that’s the case they need to speak to the HSE  fascists,

IDIOT

 personally I think it’s to do with causing trouble for the government not that they need any help as they have only managed to exasperate the situation so far by telling people to stock up on petrol. I can imagine most homes having a couple of Jerry cans each containing 5 ltrs of lead free costing about 60 quid which is swelling the treasury coffers by 28 million a day in fuel duty alone.  If the union had any common sence and fortunately for us they don’t,  now they should have waited till August when the fuel duty goes up 3p a litre and then done it just to pile on the misery.

Grrrrr!!

I had to take my old dog to the vet today,  only it looks like his eye sight is failing, I’ve noticed over the last few weeks every time I let him out he runs to the bottom of the garden and mounts one of my cabbages I’m sure he thinks it’s a collie. Talking of dogs two guys watching a Rottweiler lick his balls one guy says ” I wish I could do that” so the other one says” well I’ll stroke it first  before you start only it look’s a vicious bastard” .

I’ve been watching an interesting TV program about mental health issues covering things like brain damage and retardation it really was fascinating, you might just get to see the repeats it’s called ” The only way is Essex”.

Went to the village grab a granny night it’s always good fun flirting with the divorced and desperate I got a rich one as she had a mobility scooter and on the way home I’d stand on the back like a chariot racer bombing down the High street munching on a large kebab , and then back at her sheltered accommodation things would start to get hot untill she takes her teeth out. The trouble with making love to a pensioner is you can never be sure whether she’s having an orgasm or a stroke.

They say you can’t beat a blond with big tits, bullshit !  I’ve got a restraining  order that say’s different. you see I used to have real trouble talking to beautiful women but I cured that by moving to Rotherham.

Three guys called John, David and Ivor were driving along a country lane in their van when they saw a sheep caught up in a wire fence with its hind legs in the air John said”  I wish that were Sharon Stone”,  David echoed” I wish it was Demi Moore”,  Ivor said  “I wish it was dark ”

Remember you never realise what you’ve got till it’s gone.         Toilet paper being a good example.

Miss Rotherham

Well after the other year’s succesful event( March 2010 ) which was publicised on this site the fools at the town hall have persuaded me to show case the contestants again in the hope somebody from outside Rotherham will come along and breed with some of these girls and therefore improve the gene pool. The prizes as usual are shite 1st prize is a years supply of Stella a spay-tan and money off voucher to spend at the local chinese.  2nd prize is a full body wax and a bath complete with real soap.  The third prize is a tattoo worth fifty quid. And with prizes like that it was always going to attract the swamp donkeys and chavs from the local council estate. The contest was held at the social centre and it was quite well attended, having a bar and hot food to keep the punter’s happy.

The evening kicked off with Carol her hobby is fishing and playing with her tackle on the bank and if you put a shelter up she’ll come and play with yours for a fiver.

This is Nelly she’s a bit of a goth  with a foul mouth and likes a drink or two but the boys seem to like her for some reason.

This is Katie she works in a tanning salon.

Here’s Brenda she’s a Buch lesbo you can tell she’s Buch as she won’t spit on the strap-on before she uses  it.

Nikki from Rawmarsh with her crotch err!! clutch bag

She say’s her name is Lola and thinks she’s really exotic,  well actually she’s called Pat and she works at Aldi.

It looks like standards have improved from last year although the auditions for the Fix factor were on in Sheffield that night which probably explains why there weren’t many window lickers and retards pretending they were beautiful. The winner turned out to be a guy called dave.He won because the judges were scared of being sued for sex discrimination and or human rights abuce which is all very PC.

Brief encounter

With the down turn in the economy I’ve had to take a second job to make ends meet, I’m now doing a few evenings a week as  a dancer in a gay bar in Sheffield. I was offered the post of center back for Doncaster Rovers but I didn’t think I could handle the shame.   All I have to do is jig around a bit of scaffolding pole seductively in a pair of PVC  hot pants while men with mustaches wearing biker outfits stand there rubbing themselves, unfortunately it only pays the minimum wage but if I let the punters touch me up in the back room I can make over twenty quid some nights, more if they don’t switch the lights on. It wasn’t long before word got around that a well-known internet blogger was shaking his arse and for the price of a kebab and would “Tea bag” you   ( it’s a gay thing if you don’t know what it is ask some of your work mates, try the one’s who use “male grooming products” first. ) Anyway the guy’s I jiggle or should I say dance with want me to give them a mention I was going to say ” Plug ”  but that makes you walk funny, so here they are;

This is Carl he’s saving up for a sex change.

Hello stranger.

This cat wants your cream Grrrrr

Hello sailor

 This guy say’s he’s  a hellicoptor pilot.

Come tweek my nips

Hi I'm a history teacher during the day

After finishing work (if you can call it that ) I called into the gym or fitness centre as they call it ( mainly to pick up a family size tube of lube ) basically it’s a place were men can look  or lear at other men in the miror while pretending to work out and afterwards they shower together and compare male grooming products. Afterwards I made my way to the bus stop and it was just starting to rain as I got there, there was already someone waiting for the bus it was a young woman  and as we waited  together in this darkly lit bus shelter covered in graffiti  and smelling of piss my eyes were drawn to her as she was the only thing worth looking at. She was wearing bright yellow Dr Martin boots and tight-fitting jeans an US air force bomber jacket  ear rings and spiky hair, she looked a bit like a lesbo or one of those trendy right on socialists. Non of that seemed to mater much as we moved closer together in order to shelter from the rain which was now getting quite  heavy. Being this close to a woman I don’t know in the dark without her screaming or shouting ” PERVERT”  is a new experience for me as I took the opportunity to get to know this young lady, my first impressions of her being a bit of a chav were due to her having chilli sauce down the front of her jacket and the fact that her hair hadn’t seen a comb in years but is was not quite accurate,  it turns out she’s a student  reading media studies I didn’t have the heart to tell her she was wasting her time and nine thousand pounds on such a pointless degree and how long would she have to work stacking shelves at Asda just to pay it off. I can only assume she thought it could get her on “Big Brother” or some of the other reality trash peddled by ITV. Anyway we were getting soaked so I asked her if she’d like a coffee or a burger from the junk food shop across the road but fortunately before she could make her mind up as to whether she was a veggie or an anti capitalist protestor the bus came and to be honest I was losing the will to live.

Clearing out the shed

Anybody want to buy a gimp mask, its real leather in black and the zip works OK.

I found it while clearing out the shed, the last time I whore it was during the heats for the fix factor my carer made me wear it  along with a ball gag to keep me quiet apparently I irritate her with my comments and observations which turn out in the end to be correct, I say things like he’s gay, she’s no good and he’s gay as well.   Anyway back to the mask there’s something strangely erotic about walking though a field of sheep wearing one of these mask’s the look of fear on some of the ewe’s faces, it’s as if I knew that some of them were on a witness protection scheme after fleeing an animal sex ring in the Welsh mountains. I also  used to love wearing it when I used to have an auto asphyxiation  fetish   I liked to hang my self in the wardrobe like David Carradine did.  I remember once being discovered hanging in a cabinet in B&Q’s and being thrown out of the store wearing just a mask, bright red Y fronts and my carer’s suspenders. Ho  happy days.

I found my collection of meerkats the other day and gave them away to my workmates and they’ve been using them for stress relief after they get home from work they kick and punch it around the room or just stick pins in it to get rid of the tension caused by other workmates on the shop floor.

Change No7 Dave

It has been said that one of my meerkats is being used as a sex toy for a jack Russel by all accounts the dog drags it from its bed onto the living room carpet in front of the telly and proceeds to mount it when the theme music for coronation street comes on.

I also found a Manchester utd Calendar, now have you ever noticed you never see any in the shops,   I’m not surprised really it’s very pornographic there’s a picture of a c**t on every page.

In a old suitcase I came across an envelope in it I found some old  holiday pics of me on holiday in Thailand  I had a great time and I nearly finished up with a lady boy, it looked like a women, dressed like a women kissed like a woman and gave blow jobs like a woman. I only realised when we got back to her house and she backed the car down the drive and parked it up. I thought hang on there’s something wrong here.

I’m only clearing the shed out  so I can keep out the way as my carer has been a little worried lately only she had someP.I.P. Silicon implants fitted  a few years ago  and they have just started to leak. The good news is because she has pieced nipples we have been able  to seal the bath, kitchen sink and around the toilet

I managed to fit in a couple of days working for the Samaritans the high light of the week was when a guy phoned up he was wanting to end it all and was about to pour a couple of gallons of petrol all over himself and set it a light. I said ” Ahmed it’s time like this that you need your family around you”

I’ve found a pile of leaflets from the world health organisation saying “if you donate five pounds you can buy a net which will protect an innocent Mosquito from catching AIDS off of those filthy Africans.

Poor old Witney’s been found dead in the bath, the troubled junkie diva went from The bodyguard to A body bag.